Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
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One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
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Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
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