The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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