Define "chronic" masturbator.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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