so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
