I'm gonna have a badass scar
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Just pee around me
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Randomize
