the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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