I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
