My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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