She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
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Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
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someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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