I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
So squirting runs in the family.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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