You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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