So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.