Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
