so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
