if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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