can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
