she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
