On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
