I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
