I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
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It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
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Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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