My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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