Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
