fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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