Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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