So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
don't judge my taste in strippers
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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