Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
