wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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