After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Randomize
