I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
