I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm too high and old for this...
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
