I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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