The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
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you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
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And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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