Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
