I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
23 People Have Step Parents That Are Younger Than Them
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus