Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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