I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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