Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
