Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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