Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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