Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
My ATM looks so different sober.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
