I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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