sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
