When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
