why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
