Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
