I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
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You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
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Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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