Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
