Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
