Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
This baby is an asshole
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
