Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
