Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
