My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
