did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
