i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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