you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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