The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
