just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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