This is not my ceiling
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
